In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, I thought I would do a post on the color p*nk.
I’m standing in line at Dunkin’ Donuts/Baskin Robbins, waiting to buy my very refreshing medium hazelnut iced coffee with cream and 2 Sweet ‘n Lows (for whatever reason, I only like fake sugar in my iced coffee), when I notice two middle-aged men with beer bellies in front of me wearing p*nk dress shirts. With p*nk ties. Why, I ask, WHY?
If you look down, and you have a penis (you may need to lift that lower fat roll up to see this), you are not allowed to wear p*nk. There are practically zero reasons why you should ever saunter into J. Crew and pick out a lovely pastel p*nk shirt, much less to match a p*nk tie. Don’t pretend that all colors are created equal, or that p*nk is a “lighter shade of red”, or that somehow, p*nk is flattering on you. It isn’t. Unless by flattering, you mean castrating.
“But Joan(z),” you say, “Donald Trump wears p*nk, and he is most definitely a man, as evidenced by the smokin’ hot tits-on-a-stick that he calls a wife.” Yes, it’s true, everyone knows that the Donald loves the p*nk. And I am telling you that la Donalde looks like la douchebag when he wears la p*nk. Positively douche-a-licious.
However, I admit there are a few instances when it is acceptable to wear the color of Cheer Bear (the Care Bear with the rainbow on his tummy, and in my opinion, analogous to the purple Teletubby with the triangle on its head):
1) You are gay.
2) You are black, Hispanic, or Mexican (p*nk actually does flatter darker skin tones, and if you are one of these three, you’re so badass it doesn’t even matter)
3) You are not old enough to dress yourself yet, and your psychotic mother wishes/thinks you’re a girl.
4) You are looking to be raped up the ass in a dark alleyway.
If none of the above are applicable to you, you need to back away from the p*nk cotton. Here are some common situations when men think it’s ok to wear p*nk, but are deeply mistaken:
1) You are white and metrosexual.
2) You are Asian and metrosexual.
3) You are over 30.
4) Your girlfriend says it’s fashionable on men these days. (Your girlfriend is wrong, and it’s best that you break up with her immediately and find a woman who has the sense to keep her goddamn trap shut.)
*Slurp* Ahhhhhh hazelnut iced coffee.
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